Thank God, another day has passed. I met my 3rd mother two days ago and began to think of the past, when I was younger.
Sometimes, when I think of the past I cannot forgive my father who has taken 3 wives and did know how to love a child. Since, I was born, my father never stayed at home with me because he is staying with my 3rd mother. I always wonder why my father does not stay with me. Since, my father passed away, my 3rd mother expected my elder brother to give her maintenance allowance which after having a chat with her found out from her that was my father's wish. But never heard the exact thing because did not hear from my father before. Because of this, somewhere along the line there is some disagreement and my elder brother did not keep in touch with her and she also keep away from us. Now she is self suffient because thru the enbloc of her flat is now has some hundred thousand dollars with her and she is so afraid that we will be after her money. So bettter stay away from her since, she did not give me here new address and told me she is staying with a friend. I sometimes, do not think that she has friends, maybe her friends will be after her money, Anyway, I have always thought that since my father has given her a flat under her name, she should be able to up keep herself, in fact she has a adopted daughter who she has treated in a manner that no one can stand this kind of behaviour. Her daughter has been shouted at where she is right or wrong and left her. I feel that she is not a kind lady at all. Because being my father's 3rd wife does not give her a kind status. In fact I do not respect my 2nd and 3rd mother because they have make my family a broken one thru all these years of my upbringing. How can we be close when in the first place, they were not close before I was born. Being the youngest does not have a say in anything that happens. 3rd mother mentioned that once father died, the family is broken, I feel like telling her that since the day she entered my father's life, our family is broken.
My mother was the 1st wife and she died more than 20 years ago, I always admire her for her endurance but she has no other choice but to stay in this unhappy marriage because she is dependence on my father for the rest of her life once a woman is married to a man (Now I am just like her depend on my husband till death we part). In my eyes, my father has never been a good father and husband, the family does not live on financial support, the family need love to stay strong. God, sorry I cannot forget all that is in the past in the broken family life. Even till today, I feel that my father has done me a disservice. How can we be close step siblings, we do not keep in touch with each other. Even thought we bear the same surname does not mean that we must be close, it is a individual feeling. I have never felt close to anyone of my siblings whether they are step or not, that is because I am a accident child born to the world.
Wow, did not know I have so much to write about my past which has been kept in my heart for so long. God is very mercyful toward me, he has guided me that I have not turn to a bad guy with so much freedom given to me during my childhood or another word no one care for me during my childhood days because my father has not time for me and did not see me grow up and thinking that money he provide will do the job.
After my mother died, after that next was my father to go. I actually did not feel very sad, because I was not close to him. I think his death should allow me to forgive me and let the past died together with him. ok, I will do that. Now I will tell myself that I have to forgive all those that have died. How about the living, I do not think that I should have any ill feeling for those that are alive. God help me to do that.
Amen
